Waiting.

2011-03-25T22:40:00.000-07:00

I've been drug free and the last time i had an alcoholic beverage was more than a year ago.You help me over come this obstacle,and you had literally been with me through thick and thin, my sleepless night during National service.It's going to be our first year anniversary soon,I'm sorry for putting you through loads of shit in the past,giving you plenty of problems but i like to thank you for giving me a second chance,being awesome and always supporting me. I LOVE YOU,FITRI.Never doubt that.Seriously,i'll do anything to make it right this time.Thank you princess.

2011-01-02T01:28:00.001-08:00

A new year?A new start?Perhaps?
Great things did happen last year.Thanks for the memories.
They would remain in the past.No point for us to talk about it now.

2010-03-08T11:20:00.000-08:00

A few more hours before my enlistment.
A few more hours too last use the internet.
A few more hours before my last cigarette.

Spent my day by cleaning my room and cooking for the family.
Nothing much to do anymore since there's no longer anyone to talk too.
Loads of things filling up in my mind,
Loads of questions to be ask.
Wish it be easier,
Wish it was over.

Things are not the same surely.
Fake smiles where ever i go.
Sense of humour lost dearly.
Lack of confidence surrounds me completely.
Never thought it be rather hard.
Im sorry to all my mates whom i had offended.
Sorry for not being able to show the affection to you guys like before.
Sorry for being an ass and force you guys to drink with me just because i need it.
Selfish ,i know.

Still wished it was easier,
Still wished the day before was what i expected.
Cleary its not.
Supposed to get some rest,
But sadly i can't.

And,you are beautiful.

2010-03-05T07:57:00.000-08:00

You still linger in my mind.
Im sorry.

2010-02-11T08:30:00.000-08:00

As i just had prepared my mindset for the SAF,
I just received a letter that i had hereby been changed to SCDF.
Fucking hell.I am mindfucked.I had always hate that name,people from there and now i be one of them.
God damn it!
Im utterly pissed off with the decision made.

2010-02-08T10:27:00.000-08:00

Pond full of regrets.
You are all walls to me.
It might be easy for you to say,
but practice what you preach,someday.

2010-01-28T11:50:00.000-08:00

Its funny how we got to know each other.It started somewhere in September 2008.
From mails to text messages to phone calls then to meet ups.
A year and 4months has past i assumed.
Some dates i remember from the time we spent.

21.02.09-The very first time i went out with you for a movie.Employee of the month i suppose the movie was.Forget to take my ipod from you after that night and had to meet you the day after.
28.02.09-Your Birthday Celebration.
Met a few times though i forget the dates.
Hiatus.
23.05.09-Dinner at zac's and movie later on.Night in the museum 2.
16.06.09-Met you at City Hall MRT station to pass you some stuffs.Last time i saw you.
Hiatus
05.09.09-Broke fast together
hiatus,but talked sometimes.
19.11.09-We started talking again.
24.11.09-We went out,the best time i ever had.
30.11.09-I forgot what we did for that day.
03.12.09-Had coffee with you,and things when the other way after this.
11.12.09-Last time i hold a conversation with you.
17.12.09-Last time we texted each other.

01.01.2010-Last time i texted you.
Im glad that you are doing fine and im happy for you.
Something i said or done may be the reason you ignored me.I hardly know.
Part of my life was great,thanks to you .
Take care,beautiful.Cause you are indeed.

2010-01-18T14:56:00.000-08:00

Listen to Find a way By Plainsunset.
You know who you are.
Wish we could talk again.
And,
I miss you.

2009-12-18T12:11:00.000-08:00

19years old now.Sadly,i had accomplished nothing.For this very year,i had made loads of people upset then happy.I've made my parents utterly pissed off with myself,I've made my lecturer dissapointed.Worst,I've made myself dissapointed.I'm still clueless about my future.I don't know what shall i do for the time being and what shall be done after national service.
2009 is just a downfall like every other odd number years.
-Biggest mistake for this year,to had eventually stop working at White Rabbit.
Its not that Wavehouse is not good,White Rabbit was a better career path with better prospect and the hand on skills and knowledge to be a better cook was right there infront of me but being afraid of handling worktasks alone with the language/communication breakdown was tough for me.
I just realized that i have alot of hatred within me that i just kept silent about.This leads me to my second problem of the year.
-Drinking.
Fucking hell,i've been drinking almost every single day.I need help,Maybe an intervention.

2009-10-01T08:20:00.000-07:00

If you found out that i'm really not the person you know,would you still care to talk to me?
If you found out that my past is rather fucked up,would you look at me differently?
If you found out that i've been locked up before,would you still go out with me?
If you found out that i'm trying my best to change,would you give me another chance?
If you found out that i'm rather helpless without you,would you rub it in?
If you found out that i love you,would you think twice to tell that you love me too?

2009-08-03T12:27:00.000-07:00

I yearn for you,i really do.
I want you.
I miss you.
I regret not being with you.
I wish i could still talk to you.
You are,the one always on my mind.
Im lost,
without having a chance to see you.

2009-07-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

7July 2009,How i wish the day would'nt come by so soon.Just when im starting to get comfortable with my sleeping patterns and daily lifestyle.The day had come for my attachment.Was supposed to start at 1000hrs but i came reporting at 0915hrs instead.I didn't slept the night before.Kind of eager to know what challanges are up for me.So the only person in the kitchen was the Juniour Sous Chef whom i heard alot of stories being she had worked for Gordon Ramsey and all.What i just realize was the bloody restaurant was close on that bloody day but i had to come down and do some other stupid stuffs like deboning chicken leg,crack some crabs just to get the flesh,mind you its not the normal flower or sri lankan crab that we usually have for chilli crab or whatsoever.It was the alaskan king crab.Do you know how huge that piece of shit is?I took 2hours to peel 7crabs.fuck me.And i thought i could go for a fag after doing the work.Nope.She asked me to carry on cleaning the walk in chiller.Damn.So i carried on doing the task she asked me to do and after that she said i could go home and to report tomorrow at 1000hrs again.I agreed and the next day I came at 0930hrs.Finally met my Chef de partie who was taking over my Sous chef place in the meat station as he was on leave.My CDP was a great lad.He taught me nicely and clearly.I learned butchery in just a day.So the cycle repeats.Everyday im doing it until Saturday.My CDP has to go back to army and My sous chef would be back.My CDP told me to be extra careful when Sous is around.So i did.Saturday came,feeling nervous to finally start working with my Sous chef.His a very strong man whom could work non-stop.He was indeed nice for the first 2days i was with him.So monday,I got a time off from work.Like finally.Rested well and came back the next day.Finally got a chance to cook.Sous Chef didn't seem impressed by the way i ran his station.So he suggested me to be the runner and just eyeball on whatever he was doing.I kept asking lots of question to clarify on how things were.Dinner service is always hectic.4 long hours standing in the heat and getting yelled at.Friday night is hell.We were filled with 160guests and 120 of them ate meat.I was on my top gear and tried my best to be alive in the station.Yes,i got cursed by my Sous chef.I wasnt about to break down or anything.I did'nt dare to barked back at him.But soon my carefulness wasn't in any luck.As i was delivering my plate to the pass.I slipped and fell,breaking the plate.My dish was destroyed.It took me 15mins to prepare that dish and because of me we had to hold all the orders.The kitchen went silent after i dropped the plate.My Junior Sous Chef gave me stare and somehow I barked back.What was i thinking?Was i going mental?Fuck that.I stayed strong but silent carrying on doing the other orders and suddenly my Sous Chef shouted at me.I almost teared.But relatively it was my fault.We should never work silently we have to communicate.Though its hard after you messed up,you still have to bounce back.I've learned my lesson on that day.Communication is the key to a great service.Damn,i just realized on how lonely i was after work all the time.I have no one to talk to or text.Even during work,being the only Malay guy there,majority of them we speaking in chinese.Damn,i wish it be fair for us.I hope i could stand working in this place for another 5months.

2009-06-29T11:17:00.000-07:00

June was ok,Not a blast.But was still fine.
Went to Bali and Bandung,had a great time.Sun,Beach and Beer.
Got some stuffs for myself and the girl i was contacting.
Yeah,was.
16thJune was the last time i saw her.
Anna,she was the sweetest girl.The one you really want your parents to meet.
You wouldn't not want to see her every other day.She's the type of girl who would trust you
and knows that she wouldn't mind as long as your being honest.
Honestly,she's so sweet that she insisted that she likes the cake that i baked for her birthday.i know it sucked but she was being nice i guess.hahha.
She has the smile that could brighten up your day.
I wouldn't really mind spending my aimless days with her.
Somehow both of us has the same interest.
We go gaga over clouds.That was my chokehold.
But sadly,it ended.wish that we could still talk someday.
next week?
attachment.Bullocks.

2009-06-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

Listing down the stuffs that i really need.
-Money,lots of it.
-A new pair of jeans and shoes.
-Wrestling shoes and Underarmour/Rashguard for training.
-Tapout,Armani t-shirts.
-Punching Bag and Speed Bag.
-Battery Grip,Speedlight and Nikkor 50mm lense for my camera.
-To lose the bloody weight man!Tone down for competition.

But all of these mean nothing,if i can't know what was my fault with you.
The last thing you said was,"I call you back later,Someone's knocking on my door."
But you didn't call.I tried calling but there wasn't a respond.I've texted but there's no reply either.
If only i know what i did.
I know you need your space,But all I want to know is that your handling the pressure well.
Well Happy Birthday anyways.

2009-06-02T12:27:00.000-07:00

I think i'm falling.
Head over heels for you girl.
Those nights we spent together,
It makes me go weak.

Why must the world be unfair?
Why must all the shit been thrown at you?
Why must you suffer,when the rest are partying?
Why must you always give in?

I know your suffering right now,
And there's not much i could do.
All i could give you,
Is a pair of listening ears.
I will be there,
Whenever and where ever you need me.
I will come,
To comfort you.

There's not much i could do.
With the fact that,
Your friends are fucked up.
I'm pissed with the fact that they had blamed you.
I'm pissed that they did nothing.
I'm pissed that they didn't help you.
I'm pissed that your previous lover is bothering you.
I wish there was something else i could do.

2009-05-19T10:59:00.000-07:00

Was having a cigarette when i came up with this random post.
What am i going to do next?
Let's see,
-Graduate from Nitec in culinary skills.
-Either pursue Diploma in Pastry and baking at SHATEC or Serve National Service.
-Diploma or Degree in Culinary Arts at Le Cordon Blue Australia,i be 24years old by then.
-Work my ass out for better future if i want to get married.(if someone want me la!)haha.
-To give myself 6years to get a Chef de Partie posting or a Sous chef posting,30years old by then.
-Own a business,Restaurant?Cafe?Hawker stall be great too.(shallow minded)
-And to have a well deserve break in either Dubai,Maldives or The Bahamas

Gosh,i just realize on how old i want to start my career at.Well,i am a dreamer.I bet most of the stuffs that i typed wouldn't even come true.It's like how i say i want to lose some inches,i did trained for awhile but became lazy.That's how half-hearted i am.GOD DAMN!
I've got to change man.I got to.For my own bloody sake.Help me please.

Salut!

2009-05-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

Sent Jon Tee to the airport.Damn,what a moment all of us had.Last final advice and there he went,walking past the immigration booth to stamped his passport and so long mate.We're going to miss you.Jon had been my best mate for awhile now.We were in the same team for the competition,shared our joy and agony through three days of working with Chef Chris Salans and even during the F1days working for Hilton hotel.Damn man,wished it was me who got it to France.I was really close to getting it.French classes together was fucked.Knowing both us won't understand a word we kept talking to each other and being ignorant to the lecturer.Gonna miss the good old days mate.

2009-05-14T23:58:00.000-07:00

Been spending a lot of time lately with my classmates,as one of them is leaving for France .We had a cook out together and went fishing.We talked,shared some secrets.To tell the truth all of us are scared.July 6,that's the day we would start busting our balls.We still are clueless for what to do during attachment.Most of them got it easy.For me,i need plenty of help to pull myself through for 6months of hell.I wish all my classmate good luck.And Jon,we know you could do it.

I was listening to the radio and the DJ quoted,

Don't make promises when your happy,

Don't drink wine when your sad,

Don't make decision when your angry

And there's another line that i've yet to remember but somehow this words means alot to me.Kind of a guidance?i guess.NAH!screw that thought.

salut!

2009-04-24T13:10:00.000-07:00

I had a dream that i met a beautiful girl who sat down with me and stare at the clouds aimlessly.Not knowing what other great adventures that we are up to.Just watching her put her head on my lap,brushing my hands slowly her soft silky hair.And looking at her hazel eyes.I got lifted up the ground.

I've always been a sucker for those beautiful clouds,trying to explain why is it so calm up there and a jungle down here.

I want a life.I want to do something that people would remember me.I want to be a legend.I'm trying to leave my past.I want to start afresh.I want to know that i could hope again.I want to know that i could carry a smile on my face knowing that i have someone in my life.

Dear God,i know I've been a pain in the ass.But please,let me have this time.

Somehow,i sound like a lunatic.Well its just me.I think to much.I just want to be heard and to be touched.Am i asking to much?Maybe someday i could have this.But for now please don't wake me up.I'm still trying to figure out my maiden.

2007-09-21T11:01:00.001-07:00

i've changed!